Close Banner

Love

7 Signs You Were Raised by Narcissistic Parents—And How It Shows Up in Your Love Life

Author: Shannon Kaiser

March 30, 2026

By Shannon Kaiser

mbg Contributor

Shannon Kaiser is the best-selling author of 5 books on the psychology of happiness and fulfillment including The Self-Love Experiment, Adventures for Your Soul, and Joy Seeker. She has a B.A. in Journalism and Communications from the University of Oregon.

Image by Clique Images / Stocksy

March 30, 2026

In the past, when I found myself navigating a toxic relationship, I was constantly searching questions like, Why is my partner hot and cold? Is my partner emotionally unavailable or just selfish? Why does every argument somehow become my fault?”

The more I searched, the more focused the questions became: Am I being manipulated? Is my partner toxic? Am I dating a narcissist?

I had started dating a man who I fell fast for, believing he was the one—but while involved with him, my life turned upside down. The brain fog, constant confusion, insomnia, and nonstop anxiety made it hard to function.

I thought something was wrong with me, not realizing that these symptoms were common in people who have been in psychologically abusive relationships.

The more I learned about narcissists and abusive relationships, the more everything started to make sense

Common signs of toxic relationships like gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and narcissistic tendencies described the patterns I felt trapped by.

Of course, realizing you're in an emotionally abusive relationship can certainly come as a shock, and the follow up question is often, How did I end up here?

For many people, that question becomes the doorway to a deeper understanding of our own relationship patterns, how we were conditioned, and family history—including how we grew up and who we grew up with.

Many folks don’t even realize how their upbringing shapes what feels normal, especially in the case of narcissistic, emotionally controlling, or neglectful parents. The patterns can feel so familiar that they go unquestioned for years. It’s often only years down the road that people start connecting the dots.

In fact, research on adult children of narcissistic parents has found that many participants didn’t fully understand the psychological and relational effects of their upbringing until adulthood.

If you’ve ever found yourself trying to make sense of a relationship that leaves you feeling confused, drained, or constantly questioning your own reality, you may be dealing with narcissistic behavior in a partner—and those dynamics may feel familiar because of how love was modeled by your parents growing up.

Here are seven signs to watch out for.

1.You keep falling for emotionally unavailable or avoidant partners

If you’re in a relationship with someone who seems close one day, then distant the next, leaving you chasing love, attention, or trying to prove your worth, it might feel normal.

If you grew up in a household where love was conditional or based on performance, you may have had your emotional or physical needs invalidated—and in order to get attention or approval from your caretakers, you had to do chores, perform well at school, or be the emotional caretaker for their instability.

If you grew up with narcissistic or emotionally controlling parents—or in an environment where your emotional needs were often dismissed, neglected, or criticized—those same push-pull dynamics can start to feel strangely normal in adult relationships. This results in a nervous system that learned at a young age that emotional distance means love, and proving yourself worthy is normal behavior for you.

But the truth is, this isn’t love, it is control conditioning. Healthy love is not based on how well you behave, how much you sacrifice, or how hard you try to earn basic care and respect.

2.You feel constantly judged, criticized, or “negged,” instead of supported

Almost two decades after I dated a college boyfriend, a family member told me, “Yeah, I never knew why you were with him. He was so mean to you. He was always poking fun at you.” I looked at my family member, shocked, and said, “Why didn’t you tell me?” They just looked at me blank and said, “I thought you knew.”

The truth is, I didn’t know. A lot of manipulative people, especially those with narcissistic tendencies, tend to put you down and/or neg you, including when they say they're "just joking."

I knew then that I didn’t like it, but I told myself that was just how he flirted. Now, I know it was emotional abuse.

If someone picks on you, calls you names, or humiliates you, this is not a form of love, it is blatant disrespect—and chances are it could feel normal to you if you're tolerating it.

It felt normal to me, for instance, because I was so used to being bullied as a child. If you're with someone who has to put you down to feel better about themselves, the problem isn’t that you’re “too sensitive”—the problem is that