Stop Talking About Yourself and Do These 3 Things Instead

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Key Takeaways

- Let me introduce the value formula. It’s a simple, yet effective formula (especially in communication): Value = Relevance + Contrast.

- Start meetings or conversations with insightful questions, listen twice as much as you speak and avoid generic buzzwords.

One of the most counterintuitive lessons senior leaders must internalize is this: Stop talking about yourself. Not just in interviews — in every high‑stakes communication. The instinct to broadcast one’s resume, accomplishments or perspective first is so universal that it feels natural. But in strategic leadership, being natural is often being ineffective.

The most successful leaders I’ve consulted and worked with across the healthcare, real estate, tech sectors and 20+ industries all share a common trait: They lead by creating relevance first. They then let others ask about them.

Know what the other person values

To earn attention, build trust and win influence in high-stakes conversations, you have to know what the other party values. Let me introduce the value formula. It’s a simple, yet effective formula (especially in communication): Value = Relevance + Contrast.

Let me explain. When I mention relevance, I’m talking about how relevant it is to the other party. In the context of conversations, the other party would be thinking, “How much of what he’s saying matters to me?”

Now, there’s the contrast side of the formula. What I mean by contrast is the contrast (or the difference) in value between what I expected and what I actually got. In the context of a conversation, it could mean that I go into a conversation expecting it to be boring, but turns out that the other person has tons of interesting stories, which keeps me super engaged. That’s contrast.

These factors of the formula are great, but when strategically combined together, they become a superpower in communication… that’s influence. However, you can never reach this pinnacle of influence if you’re too busy talking about yourself, rather than becoming relevant to the other person.

But the question remains… how do you become relevant?

Ask to understand, then offer to solve

Whenever I onboard a new executive or founder client — whether a CEO scaling a construction business or a medical practice expanding to different locations — I start with a consistent framework of questions:

- Who is your ideal client at full potential?

- Which services or products do you most enjoy leading or delivering?

- What obstacles are most constraining your growth?

In one real example, a dental clinic owner told me she loved the high-ticket implant work but didn’t like routine procedures. Understanding that preference allowed us to retool the service mix, delegate tasks and improve profitability through tailored advice — a turnaround that would have been invisible if I had led with my own credentials instead of asking pointed, relevant questions.

Executives often ask: “What should I say when I speak?” The answer, based on research and experience, is actually: understand before you articulate. A McKinsey report shows great leaders shift from problem‑focused queries to solution‑focused questions, empowering others and stimulating productive dialogue rather than defensiveness.

Authenticity trumps generic scripts

The world is awash in generic leadership advice: “tell your story,” “share your brand,” “highlight strengths.” On the ground with CEOs and boards, these templates fall flat. Leaders can smell a rehearsed, canned response instantly — especially senior ones who deal every day with ambiguity and complexity.

Generic answers signal checkbox thinking. Authentic responses signal strategic depth. Rather than recite a pre‑made narrative, the best executives listen, tailor and then communicate their value by mirroring the other party’s language and concerns. When you speak in the clients’ terms, they see that you get them — and then naturally want to know who you are.

Strategic conversation as competitive advantage

Conversational leadership isn’t navel‑gazing. Moving away from top‑down monologues towards interactive dialogue strengthens organizational alignment and fuels better decision‑making.

At the highest level of leadership, your job isn’t to tell — it’s to create conditions for shared understanding. That’s why great CEOs ask before they answer, and why boards respect leaders who inquire before they assert.

Relevance before reputation

The secret isn’t charisma — it’s strategic relevance. When you begin with questions and insight that resonate with your audience’s priorities, you earn attention. As experts pointed out for the Harvard Business Review, leadership in modern organizations depends less on directive monologues and m