Hayden Panettiere Reveals All In New Memoir: Interview

by Andrew FirrioloBuzzFeedBuzzFeed StaffI’m a pop-culture writer covering everything from TV and movies, to music, Broadway, books, and games.

After decades in the spotlight, Hayden Panettiere is finally telling her story in her own words.

Storm Santos / Via Marque Public Relations

When we meet for our chat, I come prepared with my Heroes Zoom background — a small nod to my favorite role of hers — which immediately makes Hayden laugh as we introduce ourselves. Like many fans, I grew up watching Hayden as Claire Bennet, the indestructible cheerleader at the center of NBC's hit series ("Save the cheerleader, save the world!"). But, as she shares throughout our conversation, that’s only one chapter of her story.

In her memoir, This Is Me, Hayden writes with unflinching honesty, pulling back the curtain on the experiences and memories that are hers alone to tell. As we talk, she opens up about revisiting deeply personal memories, reflects on her iconic roles, and shares what she hopes readers will take away from her story.

Note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

BuzzFeed: The title of your memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning, definitely stood out to me. What was that "reckoning" for you — and when did you realize it was the right time to tell your story?

Hayden: I always said I wanted to write a book because my life has been so crazy and so full of stories, you had to be there to believe they actually happened. When the opportunity presented itself, I thought, "This could be an incredible thing, and this is also the scariest thing I've ever done in my life."

When I do things, I do them full on. If I'm telling my life story, I'm doing it 110% — I'm not leaving out any of the details. I've always tried to keep my life as private as possible, but I basically just ripped the band-aid off. It was like, "We're going for it."

The only things people have to go by are the press and the characters they see me play on TV. Now, I get to share my life for the first time in my own words and put rumors to rest. I think a lot of people are going to read This Is Me and be surprised by how they previously viewed me.

Storm Santos / Via Marque Public Relations

You discuss some heavy topics in your memoir. While reading, I had to take a break a few times because of how vividly you describe your memories. Did you ever feel your instincts pulling you to hold back?

That's the biggest compliment you could have given me, that you felt like these memories were told in a way that really painted a picture for you. Thank you for saying that.

No, I don't think I ever pulled back. I think it was more, if anything, questioning whether I was going too hard, or being too honest. It wasn't something I had done before — and here I am basically laying it all out for everyone. It went back to the natural feeling of concern that people will take what I say the wrong way or judge me the wrong way.

A big reason why I wanted to write this book was so that I could set the record straight. There are rumors that have been out there, and people are more than just one dimension, you know, we're 3D. We've got a lot of different things going on.

A quote that stood out to me in the prologue is: "Life is a process that evolves day by day, year by year, and — like it or not — you are engaged in a cycle of growth until the moment you take your last breath." How did you grow through this process?

Sometimes, when you're actually growing, you don't realize it until looking back in hindsight. You've changed, and you don't realize you've gone through this period of growth until much later.

During the process of writing, I was very focused on the stories that I was telling and how I was telling them. I was being brutally, painfully honest. I wanted to shake all the emotions off that were going on in my head, like being sad. I just wanted to pull myself out of it. So, I don't really think anything like that clicked until the book was completely done.

I think what I realized the most is that I can trust myself, because I really struggled with that. I'm braver than I think I gave myself credit for.

Storm Santos / Via Marque Public Relations

Were any chapters particularly difficult to write?

The hardest part wasn't the process of writing the book; it was saying the words out loud. I did the audio version of the book, and the very end — the chapters about my brother — were really hard for me. Time does not heal something like that.

It was also difficult to make sure I properly remembered the stories I was telling of my childhood and growing up. I asked my parents to be involved and talk to me about it, because they were, you know, much more mentally there when I was eight months old. I wanted to make sure everything was right.

Besides the heavier moments, we get to learn some fun facts about you, like your love of fantasy novels. What is it about the fantasy genre that speaks to you?

I love fantasy so much. Sarah J. Maas is one of my